December 4, 2004 - January 13,2005
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Yes. It's me again! I thought i had finished my blog for today few minutes ago, but this is not true. Indeed i had more to write for today.
I am listening to Louis Armstrong, which is reminding me about HIM. YES! The fool i should delet from my memory like a junk email in my email box. Sigh~ I feel so blue because i can not stop thinking about him while i am still trying so hard to forget about him! Yea i know it is absolutely contradicted, but this is true. Ever since i decided to get him out of my mind, i deleted his msn and phone number. Indeed i even cut the picture we took together into pieces. Um... I wil be fine... I guess i have to take some time to forget him, before i have a new target in my life.
Wow! How long have i not been writting one blog since last time? I could hardly remember the exact day and time!
A new had just begun yesterday since i just had my 19th birthday. Yes. Sigh... I guess recently i have too much work to do that i dont' even have a tiny bit of room to breathe. What does the fresh air smell like outside of my window? All the summative projects have kept me so busy that i could not think of antying else. What life should be. How it should flow... um... i dont' know what i am saying... yea..haha... i guess i should take some time to think that through... no kidding...this is very important!
Oh yea! Yesterday Perry, Mable and Kenneth bought me a cake... oh my gosh! I was so surprise that i didn't know what to say! Lol.. anyway...i feel thankful to have them as my friends... well... actually it's not a bad thing to stay behind...otherwise i wont' have a chance to know them! Sigh...but this semseter is ending pretty soon... i will always miss the people, teachers, environment and HOMEWORK from UHS... Sigh... yea...i guess that's all i have for today! As i always tell myself nowadays, THE SUNSHINE WILL EVENTUALLY COME BACK TO ME, THEN A NEW BEGINNING WILL START! YEA! Good luck and work hard this year, MILALA!! Yea..that's it for today!
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
I do not know what to feel right now after my mother told me she have the idea to divorce with father. In my memory, i have not been so angry for so long that i could hardly remember when was the last time my real angry raised up in my heart. I am very pissed but i don't know who to blame the anger on. My mother has finally leashed out her hard feeling about father not spending enough time with her in the weekends. Actually this problem has existed ever since they got married. I have noticed mother have the thought to divorce by the anger she has with father in the very daily chorus. It was not rare to know she is not happy with father's attituded towards the family. At the very moment i feel extremely confused and lost. As i know mother is a person who has high determination. If she has made up her mind to do something she must and would do it in the future no matter what. The first feeling i had when i heard it, i was stunning and upset. I honestly did not know how to react towards this very difficult and upset situation. Ever since i was a child, i always believe that my family would be one unit forever. I never dreamt that my parents will divorce one day. I don't know if mother forgot what she just told me on our way home from the restaurant, but the astonishment could never fade away from my heart. I understand i really have to be tough and calm to handle this matter, but it's never easy when you are one of the character in the situation. What can i say about it? I mean...i really do not know. It is the most difficult situation that i have never face before. Am i just living in a fair tale in the past that i had no ability to realise the problem in the past? Or it is only because i am old enough to figure out the situation is so tough that i have no idea how to handle? Or should i just forget about it and live like i never had a conversation with my mother about it? Why would my mother have the thought to divorce? As i said in above, she is not a person who give up so easily. is she really can not take it anymore? Or she just wanted to leash out her anger to realise herself? Can father figure out any little tips about this " hidden" situation? I only know we should never take things as granded. We should give before we take anything back. Sigh...i dont' know what else i could say up to this point. I believe the only thing i should do is to talk to father about it. It actually makes me realise that never could last forever, even a relationship that has been built up for over 20 years long. I really don't think i want to get married as much as before. Sigh... it changed my value towards marriage completely...is this what people called " personal experience"? I believe so...
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Hahaha...when was the last Blog i posted? I could hardly remember the day and the info of it! Wow...finally i am back to Hong Kong, the place where i always believe that i would love forever. Sitting in front of the computer, writing a Blog and talking to people would be what i usually do in Hong Kong back in the old days. Every time when people asked me about the trip in Hong Kong, i normally would say yes i am enjoying my time in my home. However it is totally different this year when i find out the excitment has gone. Isn't this gay? Last year i was so looking forward to come back, i even planned out what i want to do when i am back. The imagination of the fun time i would have in this year with my friends could always brighten up my mind and refresh my soul in Canada. Actually the reasons are quite obvious to explain this feeling i have this year. Firstly Ivan and Gf have girlfriends, which means they can not spend too much time with Crystal and I. Looking backward to last summer when we went around Hong Kong, oh my god, it was so great! The secondl thing would probably be Ah Cho. Ever since i arrived to Hong Kong, he already disappointed me for a few times such as not calling me back when he said he would. i do not want to break my heart once again as hard as last time when i regonized he got a girlfriend. I have enough of hard time, i do not need more. I guess what i really need to do is to be alone for quite some time to ask myself what i want and think problems through.
Monday, April 12, 2004
The only feeling that is floating in my head is exhaustion since i just came back from the St. John camps. Yes, i am saying camp with an s at the end. It was actually a long Easter holidays with a good Friday and an Easter Monday, but i spent my long weekend with my St.John juniors and canoe trip team members. Wow! Both of the camps made me feel exhausted phystically, but they were so worthful to mention because they would become one of my most rememberable memroies. It's a long 'story' but i am patient enough to tell it to you! Hehehe..yes i know i am crazy since i am the only person who is going to read it but nevermind! Who cares! Wahahahaha..okay! Back to the topic! Yes yes...on Friday i went to pick up Ken and Jeffery to shop for food that we were prepared for the canoing trip. Around 4 oclock my sister and I went to pick up Ken, Jeffery, and Tim at Ken's house again, then we went to the north for about 20 minutes to a camp site called ...i dont' really remember! Hehehe....well..it has something wood something..hehehe..yea...it was freezing on that day, although the sun was shinning brightly on top of my head. I even needed to borrrow Tim's dA Frog and Jeffery's sweaters since i didnt' bring enough clothes. After the dinner and decoration, we had a meeting and sang some camp fire songs. During the break time, i made a phone call to Kevin around 10:30. He was driving on his way home after the fellowship. Then here was the amazing part of the night that we went to see stars on an opened field outside. On our way to the big pine, it was so dark that i was a little bit afraid. The chilly wind blew so hard that i felt so dizzy while i watched the stars. At that moment i hoped so badly that Kevin could watch it with me. Oh yea! On that night i actually slept in the boy's side beside Tim. I didn't sleep very well on that night tho since it was so cold and my bed was right near the window. THe next day i woke up at 7:15 with the guys. After we all got changed into St.John uniforms, we had our breakfast before we went out to pick up the kids in the parking lot. The sun lay to us once again that it was still so cold when it was out. We and the kids went to lift up the flag. Then we divided the teams. My partners were Felix and Eric, but Eric never helped. The name of my team was Bunny Boppers. I had three girl juniors and two boy juniors, which were Jason and Chris. They both were too naughty to handle compare withother kids from my team. Jason was so inactice that i needed to always keep an eye on him. On the other hand Chris always went around to beat people up. Hahaha..the cheer was so funny that it was the lambest one among all the teams. It was a one- lined cheer. " The Bunny, The bunny, the bunny boppers yeah!"As i spent more time with my kids, i developed a cetrain caring and belonging to the jouiors, even with other kids from other teams. Emily, who was a girl from my team, asked so man questions. I always made fun on them but they still laughed about it, which make me feel very sweet amd comforable. They called me "guess" since i told Emily not in purpposely when she asked me what's my name. Lol! The girls even made up rumors about I like Andy, Felix, Tim andken! Come on girls! They are all my friends! How could we moved on to another stage that we all have never thought about? As Emily called me Guess more often, other juniors also got to know me bettter! They also started to call me Guess too! I was so glad that htey actually remembered me as if i was very outsanding among the others. I felt sorry for the kids beacuase i actually did not know how to help them to win any games. Emily and other girls even asked me to engage Ken on Monday night in the public cuz they wanted to see! Hehehe..they were so cute! I love all of them! Hehehe. Throughout the entire junoir camp, I felt so glad that Ken and Jeffery were always helpful to me when i was in troubles. Ken and Jeffery always took care me since i could hardly take care of myslelf! Hehee..oh yea! In the monk meal, Ricky and Eric put some smashed potato in my plant, so i licked the smashed potato and put it on Ricky's face. It was so srcrewed that they actually took a revenge on me! They put the sauce oh my face! For the skit, Chris and others chose to do "she bangs' that i was so crappy that no one got it! HWahaha...i felt so embarased when i was alone standing in front of the crew. Hehehe..oh my god! For the camp fire, since we did not know how to sing any of hte songs from the booklet, we actaully sang twang twang little star! Sigh...the kids should be very disappointed! Sigh...The environment in the camp site was pretty amazing and beatuiful, especially when you walked in there when the sun was bright and the sky was blue. Although i did not get enough time to rest my body and soul, but i actually enjoyed the time that i spent with the kidos! The kids even broke news about me getting 7 votes from them for the best female leader! I was just one vote to win the prize with Lisa! But i was happy enough to know it because i had never worked with kids before! After the kids went home, the campe site actually became so quiet htat i was not so used to it! Sigh! I pretty miss them now! I actually had developed some emotional attachment to those who was in my team and those i talked to! We listend to Wo Sir about the information of canoing, then we had dinner outdoor. It was actually pretty hard to get the fire on in the S something something. I did not like the idae of cooking and eating outisde, but that's the rule~ Ken took care of everyone that it actually impressed me a lot. He does not behaviour like a grade 11 when he came to be very serous. I didnt not expecet to have anything to do in the late mid-night but they arranged us to wake up and make a camp fire at 2, while we only got 1 and a half hours of sleep! Then we went back to bed at 4 and woke up again at 7:25. In the morning we went to do some exercise then ate the branch. It was pretty amazing! Then Wo sir came by and had so much fun with us! I was very special that i started to develope some feelings with Ken...i mean...Ken...i never thought i would have feeellings that are more than friends would have between each other. Um...i felt very good to have someone to take care of me..but...i don'tknot..i am flower heart! Wahaha..i know! Hehehe..anyway! It was pretty fun and amazing! Later~
Thursday, April 08, 2004
It's been a month since the last time i wrote a post on Blogger. Time is flying away silently that we could hardly notice the speed it takes in every second. Sigh~ For some reason life i starting to be busy and complicated once again. The huge amount of workload is already driving me insane that i need to hypervenilate in order to keep me alive. Not too long ago i went to see mental hit with Winson, i just found out that i need tons of calcium...um...i mean... what can i say about it? Can i make any commons that could comfort me? Probably not~ From now on i have to drink three cups of milk! Milk is not in my list of favorite drink~ It is going to be a barrier for me fitness plan. However my knee is hurt so i have to listen to the doctor! I can not let Edith down! Um...St. John! Yes...is it always true that once a place get to have people exist, that place will turn into diaster, and full of rumors flying around? The answer to this quesiton is quite obvious that it is true. It is very good news I got promoted, however i hate to deal with social problems in between people. The duty and responsibilty is way too big for me to take. I am just a girl who does nothing well except wasting money and time~ What can i do for this essential organizatoin in the neighborhood? Honestly my feelings toward the promotion is still in the contradicted stage, where i can not help thinking about the responsiblity that i have to take aftwards. Nevertheless, my life is not only about St.john, but i also have to deal with other business such as making my profilio, piano exam, school clubs and all sorts of things. Sigh~ What can i do? I have no clues. All these business has already absorbed every bit of my energy . Why am i living such a busy life compare with people like Arnold and others who have so much spare time for their own. Why can i not be like them? Is it because i am way too active? Kevin...what can i say about him...sigh~ Again here is another sighing signal, which means i don't know what to do again~ Through perry lam, i realise that i should not let him know my true feelings to him? Why can i not let him? I just want to feel no regrets and be honest to him and myself! Seriously i do not think i have to hide it away from him! Too bad that i dislike to do the hint hint thing! Life is very complicated and i just want my emotions could be told and straighten up my thoughts! Love could be a simple matter, it is only dependent on you how you see and handle it! All i really want to do is to hang around with him for these last three months. I can not see the problem in here~ But at this moment, i really feel thankful to Joe cuz he made me feel what love trully is again. He gave me the strenght to find it back! And Victor too! He always supports me whenever i am stressed out or despressed over something! His words are so powerful that i could go through all the big stones on my bumpy road! Hehehe...Although i am pretty much stressed out and tired, but i understood one thing that i still have to live no matter how tough the situation is going to be! It's a big lesson in my life, just like any other huge difficulties that i had been through. I know i will be fine! Tomorrow is a good Friday but i still have to set up the camp for St.John Junior Camp! My great weekend is gone! And all the report and esssay have to be done by Tuesday! Sigh...live is hard...but...it will be fine!
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Wow~ It's almost a week of school already since the March Break was over! Time flies! No doubt about this statement! It's the most classical one that could never be replaced! One the reasons why time flies and i have such a strong feeling about it is because things are keeping me busy, but also on the track. Sigh~ Laziness is the biggest enemy of my life up to this point! Why? It's because i didn't do anyting during the week of holidays! What a waste of time! Right now i am tring to refresh my memory of what i had done in the break and nothing pops up! What the FXXK! Whahaha...Anyway! Life is like an endless game that challeneges create every seconds once you are still alive, once you are still a player of it. When you can't straighten up your mind from troubles, you could not live peacefullly! This is my theory! whahaha...i really believe in this since this is the situation that i am in right now. The break isn't that useless in this case, despite the fact that i did absolutely nothing for school, my mind has actually grown up a bit! Wow! This is awesome because i think my maturity is getting stronger! Well..i seriously do not want to get into any types of troubles, especially get trapped in the game of love. Somehow i feel extremely tired about this game. It's not fun at all! Forget about it! It's like a year almost, he still can't fade away from my memory, from my head and my heart. Also Kevin...we are getting very weird now...i have no idea waht to do..so i am planning to tell him my feelings towards him...and how i feel about us..right now...sigh~ School+ Family+ Friends= My Life! Well..i just want these three months could be enjoyable! That's all i wish for! Please..god...help me for a bit..!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Looking at the time right now it's 1:20 in the morning. Since it's March Break so i often stay up so late at night to watch tv or icq or write a Blog. After i developed the films from Loblaw's yesterday, i realised that i still really miss Cho, althrough he indirectly rejected me. Obvioulsly enough for me to pick up this point because he passed his cell phone to his girlfriend last time. Memories are haunting me, and at the same time they are flashing back like before i knew the cruel reality, which is no chances. Sigh~ What else can i say about it? Opening my heart and mind to myself solitarily, i can not lie to myself anymore about forgetting him since the feeling is still so strong that i can not resist to think about him all day long. Vivdly i told myself that i would never give him phone call again, but i broke the promise that i made with my own. I was silly enough to call him when he was during lunch break in Hong Kong, which i was so sleepy that i wanted to go to bed more than anything! Why would i give him a phone call? Once again it was about the silly matter that i didnt' find his name on the Nike League selection list for the second round!! It was so horrible that it actually begged me for the entire night just to think about the right reason of not seeing his name on the list! Sigh~What a fool who is so foolish to behaviour like a none- sense! How could it be possible for me to still have a certain feeling towards him? Didn't i tell myself that you actually like someone else instead of him? Do i still love him? Do i still want to be with him? What should you do to get rid of him totally in your life? All those "important", "logical" questions popped up in my head when ever i had time to chill or claim down from what i was busy with. Sigh~ The thought to get together with him is still so strong that i could not stop thinking about what it would be like if we could be lovers in the summer, even through i "would" be the third player of this love game. However i really know that it will never be possible to be his girlfriend...I know the true reason more than anyone else, at least i think i am clear about it, since his passion to this relationship with his Pamela is so tight that he won't even consider the other girls to be around. Therefore the only solution that i could think of now is to date him for a dinner or something immediately when i am back, and tell him the truth, then ask him to reject me, just like what i required Jacky Chiu to do. In this earth, there is no one who can have such a strong power to make me feel this way except him; there is no one who can make me feel so good just to love him. From the bottom of my heart, i know how much i love him and need him, but i also realise that my dream will never come true. Hahaha..it is so funny that Chris think it is possible to make someone to fall in love with you, but the truth is this does not happen all the time. My lucky star is a shooting star that the least thing i can do is to say goodbye to it, because i know i will never have the luck to achieve such a difficult dream. My luck has gone by the very first time i knew him in the basketball court. By just sitting there i already figured out that i wont' be able to escape from this boy, from his five fingers, from his eyes. Is this what people called " love by first sign"? Sigh~ I don't know, all i know is loving him makes me feel so peaceful, warm and positive. Once again he is taking over the power of my life, after he found the very best girl in his life. The love and passion that i have towards him is more than his physical appearance or his outstanding basketball skills, which is very unforunately because i truly love him? I want to feel his breathing, his arms around me...oh...my mind is getting dirty~ whahaha...Sigh~ I guess i will like to keep things in this way until he reject me in the summer! Hahaha! I am so out of control! Hahaha...this time...hehe! P.s:This is the longest Blog that i have never written before! Sigh! What a shame! Did own him something in my last life? Sigh~ Lol~
